Not many Cub Scouts had a Den Mother like Gwyn. She wrote several wild skits like this one. The Marx Brothers (whom she adored) had nothing on her. Note the date -- she was nine years ahead of her time.

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PACK MEETING OF THE HOGANSVILLE CUB SCOUTS, MONDAY, JAN. 18th 1960
DEN 4: SKIT: THEME, "NEWSWEEK" (FOCUSSED ON "SCIENCE IN THE NEWS")
SHRINKING UNIVERSE: A T.V. PRESENTATION.

CAST:

ABLE GABLE (your friendly announcer) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Peter Ware

PROFESSOR AL FRESCO (a scientist who has just
       returned from a trip to the moon) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Sidney Gay

DR. ROBINSON FLIP (an M.D. who specializes in Space) . . . . . . . . . . . . Philip Head

COL. REUBEN BIRD (a Space pilot) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Nathan Strain

JAMES VAN MORON (T.V. Interviewers) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Jimmy Dodson

DENNIS VAN BORIN . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Dennis Sims

LOLITA HASBIN ("FINIS" Commercial) (Prompter) (Optimist) and . . . . .Den Mother

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

ANNOUNCER:

This is Station S.L.O.B.; "Shrinking Universe" next in sight. The most turbulent program on the air -- so fasten your seat belts, plee-ase. (Sugar voice) But first -- a word from our Beloved Sponsor: (pause) MEN -- WOMEN -- CHILDREN!!! LADIES! GENTLEMEN! BRATS!!! PEOPLE!!! -- -- THE WORLD'S MOST SENSATIONAL PAIN-KILLER : FINIS! F-I-N-I-S -- a scientific term that means THE END. And it's Endsville -- for any pain you can name, Folks. FINIS in liquid or tablet form will give you instant relief: dramatic relief: heavenly, Heavenly, HEAVENLY relief!!

LOLITA: (DRESSED AS ANGEL, HOLDS UP BOTTLE)

I was a pale, jelly-like mass of undulating, pulsating, palpitating pain. My friends at the Drugstore recommended "FINIS" -- and look at me now: I shrugged away my pain in an instant, I coughed, I gasped, I sighed with relief: I shuffled off this mortal coil -- and now -- look! I am in HEAVEN -- thanks to my friends, thanks to the Drugstore -- thanks to the manufacturors of "FINIS".

ANNOUNCER:

"FINIS" contains the scientific ingredient, POTASSID CYANOLE THREE. Get it from your local drugstore today -- tasteless in Coco - Loco. Recommended by more (stutters) more -- more -- morticians: everywhere.

ALL TOGETHER: (TUNE: "IF I HAD THE WINGS OF AN ANGEL")

Take "FINIS" and shed all your worries
AND soar up to Heaven today!!!

ANNOUNCER:

And now -- for SHRINKING UNIVERSE!!

PROFESSOR, DOCTOR, PILOT SEATED AT LEFT OF TABLE. THE INTERVIEWERS, VAN MORON AND VAN BORIN WITH PAPERS AND PENCILS, EAGER AND BUSINESS-LIKE AT RIGHT. THE SPACE EXPLORERS LOOK RATHER BLASÉ.

JAMES VAN M.:
This is "SHRINKING U.," the people's comic program . .

DENNIS VAN B.:

Pardon me, Jim -- COSMIC.

JAMES:

What's the dif? Now, let's get on with the program. Tonight we are bringing you the famous Space Scientist, Dr. Al Fresco. Dr. Fresco -- or may I call you Al? This man doesn't have to figure out how to get there -- he just goes way out THERE and collects stuff for Science. Professor -- or may I call you Al? they say you claim your home is any place, so long as it's in Space?

PROF:

Reet, man. Any place in Space.

DENNIS:

And this gentleman with him is Colonel Reuben Bird, the man who flies that Space ship there and back. What would you say was the most important thing a pilot must know about flying a Space ship, Colonel?

COL. BIRD: (SHIFTING HIS WAD OF BUBLE GUM)

How to bring her back, man.

JAMES:

This other gentleman is Doctor Robinson Flip. He has just published that smash-hit book, "MILTOWN ON THE MOON" --

DOC:

"MOON OVER MILTOWN."

JAMES:

Sorry, Doc, I haven't read it yet.

DENNIS: (ALL EAGERNESS)

I have !!

DOC:

I haven't written it yet.

JAMES: (HURRIEDLY CHANGING SUBJECT)

Ha, ha -- Dr. Flip goes along to see nobody gets nervous. These gentlemen (SUDDEN SPOT COMMERCIAL SONG) have just returned from the MOON: (JAMES PAUSES AND TRIES TO LOOK PLEASANT)

DENNIS:

Dr. Flip, did anybody on the trip get nervous?

DOC:

Nobody flipped.

DENNIS: (TO PILOT)

Colonel, suh -- did you have any trouble on the trip?

COL. BIRD:

Nothing much. A little trouble with the animals, a little with the Doctor, a hole in the fuselage maybe. Like routine, man.

JAMES:

MY WORD! A hole in the fuselage; that must have been SPOOKY! What did you do?

COLONEL DOES NOT ANSWER, BUT SLOWLY AND MEANINGFULLY BLOWS OUT HIS BUBBLE GUM. IF HE FEELS HE IS ABOUT TO FAIL TO BLOW THE BUBBLE ON CUE, LET HIM SLOWLY AND SILENTLY PULL OUT A LONG TRAIL OF GUM, WITH A SERIOUS, REVERENT LOOK ON HIS FACE. NOBODY ON STAGE MUST BREAK UP DURING THIS BUSINESS, OR IT WON'T BE FUNNY TO THE AUDIENCE.

JAMES:

Well, well -- what do you know? And animals -- you mentioned animals. What kind of animals, Al?

PROF:

A mouse, a raccoon, a parakeet, two lizards.

DENNIS:

You had trouble with them?

PROF:

Some. Yes, quite a bit.

DENNIS:

Please explain.

PROF:

Well, it seems the ground crew forgot to pack -- like our lunch.

DENNIS: (PUZZLED FROWN)

Yes?

PROF:

Mr., er, er -- Van Porin -- HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO PLUCK A PARAKEET IN SPACE?

DOC: (IN DREAMY, BALMY VOICE)

Feathers, feathers, feathers...

PROF: (GIVING HIM A SHOVE)

Hush, Doc.

JAMES: (KINDLY)

The doctor seems to have had a shock. What was the shock, Doc?

DOC:

We ran out of comic books. Col. Bird had the last ball of bubble gum. We ran out of cigarettes. Someone -- I believe it was the vice-president -- had sent us a bunch of gladiolus. We tried to smoke them: we are thinking men. There were too many little blue feathers. Feathers, feathers everywhere --

JAMES:

Never mind, Doctor -- we all understand. (TURNING TO THE PROFESSOR) How did you find the mouse?

PROF:

Man, we didn't.

JAMES:

And what about the raccoon and lizards?

PROF:

The raccoon was tough, man. But the lizards -- ah! (PROFESSOR SMACKS HIS LIPS AND BLOWS A KISS IN MID-AIR)

JAMES:

You make me hungry, Professor. And now tell us what our television audience and the world is waiting to hear. Al, pal -- tell us -- what is it like on the MOON?

PROF:

DARK, MAN.

JAMES:

And what were the weather conditions like?

PROF:

COOL, MAN.

JAMES:

And now -- tell us what you found there.

PROF:

ROCKS, MAN.

JAMES:

Rocks -- hm, er, FASCINATING! What, er, kinds of rocks, Al? Better than here, maybe? Precious minerals, gold, uranium, strontium and so on?

PROF:

NOO -- just rocks, rocks, rocks, rocks. Like those rocks, everybody can see in this jar. (HE HOLDS UP A FRUIT JAR FILLED WITH AVERAGE ROCKS)

DENNIS:

Those are amazing rocks, Professor. I am sure that these rocks will mean a great deal -- will mean everything -- to Science. Rocks from the moon, yet!

PROF:

Rocks from the moon, yes -- Mr. Van Rearin. But some of these Dr. Flip took out of here. (TAPS HIS FOREHEAD) At these Science will flip, man. And this (HOLDS UP SQUARE JAR) Just think, man. From the moon -- square air.

JAMES:

This trip has certainly been a milestone in history, Professor. Think what it may mean to humanity. It must have done some great good to mankind -- and I am sure you will now tell us what that is.

PROF:

Sure, I will. It got me and my buddies here on television.

JAMES: (CHUCKLES IN A SICKLY WAY)

We have just heard Professor Al Fresco, his Space Pilot and his Space Doctor. Thank you, Professor.

DENNIS:

Is there any last word you would like to say to our audience, Professor? Something perhaps you found on the Moon you haven't shown us yet?

PROF:

Oh, yes, man -- I forgot. We found this (AFTER A GOOD DEAL OF FUMBLING IN VARIOUS POCKETS THE PROFESSOR FINALLY DRAGS OUT A RUSSIAN FLAG. HE DOES NOT SEEM TO REALIZE WHAT IT IS. PROFESSOR SHAKES IT, SPREADS IT, SHAKES HIS HEAD ADMIRINGLY) Man -- what a bandana!

JAMES: (HURRIEDLY)

Thank you, Professor.

ANNOUNCER:

Tune in next week at the same time and hear the Universe shrink some more.

COMMERCIAL: LOLITA HOLDS UP HUGE BOTTLE LABELED "FINIS."

 

© 2000 Estate of Gwynneth Mary Woodhouse Ware